


Under the Moonlight

by immortalheart (MoonlightMuse)



Series: Becoming Human [1]
Category: Vampire Knight
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Depression, Gen, Kind of..., POV First Person, SPOILERS FOR END OF MANGA, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 05:53:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3108500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightMuse/pseuds/immortalheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaname reflects on the hard decisions he’s had to make, and are yet to come as he confesses his true feelings to the life he’s had as one of the original purebloods.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Under the Moonlight

**Author's Note:**

> This can be read as a canon stand alone, or also as a prologue to my new fic “Becoming Human”

The castle walls are dark and empty. Everyone else is in class. A place I should be myself. But there are times when the weight of the whispered futures and broken promises are too heavy a burden to carry to class. Times like today.

I know Takuma will be keeping an eye on everyone for me. And I'm sure whatever mischief Aido gets up to can be dealt with later. For now, I simple stand on the terrace alone, looking out into the night sky.

A single chess piece burns a hole in my pocket, and my hand automatically curls around it. As if feeling the smooth solid between my fingers would make the situation any less real. As if the decisions to come will be any less difficult, and the outcome any less tragic.

It’s a hopeless reality that only I must bare.

Yuuki, my dear sweet girl. So innocent, and so naive. As much as she wants to be a part of my world, and help shoulder the burden… why doesn’t she understand, that it’s better for her to keep her distance and continue to cling to the foolish hope that it will all work out? The closer she gets to me, the more it’ll simply hurt her in the end.

For that is the destiny of a Kuran, to stand alone…and to fall alone.

And while she too is a Kuran, she was also a Cross. And so the task I must carry out is something I won’t let her get involved in. Not when she can still be free. She can settle down, have a family, and not ever feel the darkness that I have felt.

A soft sigh escapes my lips, and I feel the loneliness that's been repressed in my heart thrum loudly.

And I am reminded of that night, hundreds of years ago, when I watched a sacrifice take place that was never supposed to happen.

But this just further proves why I have to do this. It is my turn now: to do what should have been done.

My happiness doesn’t matter, it never did.

And while it was fun to entertain the thought of living out my dreams with Yuuki by my side, that’s all it ever was: a dream.

For it can never happen. It’s not meant to.

Not when my will to live is simply carried out by the need to complete my job.

Which evidently; is dying.

It feels like there is not much left to hang on to, and it’s getting harder and harder to cling onto what’s left of me.

All the facades and endless masks are starting to take their toll. What was once a single crack in my otherwise perfect mask, has shattered ten-fold. And I slowly feel myself starting to crumble under the broken pieces.

No one seems to understand.

They see the glory, but not the price. The beauty, but not the scars. The actions, but not the motives.

After all, all anyone see’s is the perfection that I allow them to see.

For I am the puppet, and yet also the puppeteer.

The adored, yet envied.

The loved, yet hated.

The cruel monster to run to when they need problems solved, and the spoiled prince to blame when the world goes wrong.

For this is the life of a pureblood vampire.

A life full of unwavering misconception and incomprehensible truths. Where lies come as easily as greetings, and manipulation is simply a second nature.

But when did I say that I wanted all this? I accept the part I need to play because this is the role that was given to me. but that doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten that I never tried out for this play in the first place.

Sometimes it feels like the world is on my shoulders.

I feel it killing me everyday, and with every undeserving breath I take. Weighing me down, down, until one day, the anchor of guilt will pull me into the depths of the ocean.

Sometimes I fear that I’ll open my mouth and the only thing that will come out will be a silent scream as the suffocation of lies become all to real. And my last breath goes unnoticed as the darkness swallows me whole.

For I am drowning… but drowning in what?

Regret is not an option: not allowed for someone like me. And the lies? Well they’re just necessary. And there’s no room for doubt.

So I guess that leaves me with reality.

Yes, that sounds fitting. Drowning in the harshness of reality that reflects the hard cold truth.

And I can feel that coldness creeping through my bones, freezing me from the inside out till my frozen shell of an icy exterior is all that’s left of what I used to be.

But maybe that’s just a lie too. And I was always this way. Cold, alone, and soon to be heartless…literally.

Ironic though, isn’t it? I, who convinced the world I didn’t have a heart to begin with, has always really been the one who cared the most, is now the one who will lose it all. The ultimate sacrifice to top all the other’s I’ve made.

Not that I’m regretting it; didn’t I mention earlier that regrets weren’t allowed? No, I am simply getting what I had always deserved. For my sins are many. From this lifetime, and another. Why should I have even a shred of happiness? Why cling on to a ray of light when the tendrils of darkness are already wrapped around my soul?

It’s better for everyone this way. I will disappear along with the pain and suffering I’ve caused.

Like the prince of death and destruction that I am.

Looks can be deceiving though can’t it? I who has everything; has nothing. Nothing but the emptiness ravaging my heart, and the despair gnawing on my mind. Threatening to overtake me with every passing second.

Sometimes I feel like my sanity is unraveling, my mental state merely hanging on by a thread. And then I wonder when it was I stopped caring that it did.

Does it really matter?

I haven’t really cared about myself in a long time. Why should I? My existence was simply necessary to guarantee that others could live. And now the same rule will imply with my death.

My final task before I leave this life.

No one will have known my true intentions. I will die with them seeing me as a monster… but that’s fine. Because I am one.

And if it puts their hearts at ease, then I’m willing to forsake it all for them. I’ve been doing it for as long as I’ve been alive, so what difference would it make to continue to do so in the afterlife?

The end for me is near… but with it, life itself will continue on. Perhaps even be born anew. And that's all I can really ask for.

My death has been planned from the very beginning, necessary for every piece on the chessboard to come together.

And in doing so, perhaps this pointless war can finally end.

I’m not naive enough to think that the greed of humans, and the selfishness of vampires will completely be extinguished, but if it can at least be slightly diminished…

I pull the chess piece out once more, and place it on the terrace. Letting it soak up the remaining moonlight.

At some point, I forgot who it was I was even playing against. Rido? The council? The hunters? The humans? Society? Myself? Everyone? No one?

I guess it doesn’t really matter either way,

Soon the curtains on stage to this ongoing play will finally come to a close. My part has been played out till the very end, and this long and drawn out game can finally end.

_Checkmate._

**Author's Note:**

> Oh Kaname, my poor baby. :( 
> 
> So as I was re-reading the manga, towards the end, when the whole "big plan" was coming to play, I realized how much Kaname must have been suffering the entire time, knowing what he planed to do from the very beginning. This was just my take on how he might have been feeling...  
> Also I admit, I have a sadistic pleasure in making my fave characters suffer through unfair amounts of angst... 
> 
> If you liked this though, and (like me,) also want Kaname to have a happy ending, then please stay tuned for my latest fic "becoming human" which will take place after the manga's end following his "re-birth" as a human. (With some slight changes on my part...mostly because if you know me at all, You'd know I will somehow be making Kaname and Zero end up together. Heheh.) 
> 
> I'm over on [catching-darkness.tumblr.com](http://catching-darkness.tumblr.com)  
> if you wanted to say hi, or come fangirl with me. ;)
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3  
> xx


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